Learning to accept death is a natural experience that must not be ignored. Permitting a child to be part of the experience, by attending the service/ritual and/or talking about the death, helps to relieve their fears and anxiety.
Giving children the choice of involvement in the rituals of the visitation, the service and the cemetery indicates that their role as a member of the family is valued and respected. If they are excluded from this, they may fear that something is being hidden from them, or may make them feel excluded from the mourning process.
The service/ritual is a ceremony that celebrates a life lived. The ability to comprehend the service/ritual will vary according to the maturity of the child. Children should be encouraged to attend. If they decide they don't want to go, they will appreciate being asked. The decision must be theirs.
By attending the visitation and the service/ritual, the child's questions may be answered. A drawing, a card or an action of tribute can help the child to be a part of the ceremonies, and can be a healing experience. There is nothing to fear in these services/rituals. While children may not understand all that is said and done, they will remember that they were included in the family circle.
Children aged two to four have little understanding of the meaning of death. The death should be shared with a child by explaining what has happened in simple terms. Comparing life to the seasons can be helpful. There are many resources for explaining death to children and for helping children cope with grief. When explaining death to children, be honest, do not mislead them. Responses will vary according to the age and understanding of the child.
Here are some guidelines:
- Simply answer their questions in a way that satisfies them. Give a brief explanation and answer in a language level that the child can easily understand;
- Never tell children anything they will have to unlearn later. Do not say "Grandma has gone away" or "Grandma is sleeping;"
- Don't give more information than required;
- Don't be afraid to use words like "dead" and "death;"
- Let children know that it is okay to show their emotions;
- Reassure the child that he or she is loved and will be cared for by others.
For more information contact your local OFSA member or by calling OFSA's office at (800)-268-2727.
If further assistance is needed, discuss with your funeral director, who has experience in these matters.